The man noticed the husband carefully splitting up the meal with his wife, even counting the fries. Before going to the counter to order, he walked up to the couple and said, “Please let me get you another meal.”

“No, thank you,” the husband replied. “She and I share everything.”

The man went to the counter, bought his own meal and sat at a table in sight of the couple. He noticed only the husband was eating and the wife was waiting patiently. Again, he walked to the couple’s table, repeating, “Please let me buy you another meal!”

The wife calmly answered him, “Like he said, we share everything. And right now he’s using the teeth!”

Jake and John were driving down the road in Jake’s car when he suddenly drove through a red traffic light. John thought this was a bit odd.

When Jake drove through the second red light, John decided to pipe up and ask him why he kept driving through lights when they are red. Jake answered by saying it was something his father taught him.

Then all of a sudden Jake came up to a green traffic light and started slowing down. John asked him why he was slowing down for a green light.

Jake answered by saying, “My dad might be coming across the road!”

My two aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”

After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a poem. They give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper. He calls it a song. They give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago.

They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did.

They handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. He came out again and said, “They’ll be ready on Wednesday.”

A newly married couple went fishing on their vacation. Afterward, the wife’s mother asked how it went.
“Oh, it was terrible,” the wife began. “Everything went wrong. We overslept. Then we got a flat tire.
“And the worst part was,” she sighed, “I caught more fish than he did!”

I noticed an impatient looking young man standing in front of a boutique. He approached an attractive woman and asked her a question.
He asked her, “Would you mind talking to me for a few minutes?”
The woman countered suspiciously, “Why?”
“My wife has been in this shop for a long time,” the man explained. “But I know she’ll come out if she sees me talking to you.”

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and asked about the fee.
The lawyer responded, “It costs $50 for three questions.”
The man then asked, “Isn’t that a lot?”
“Yes,” responded the lawyer, “and what’s your third question?”

It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole.
It read, “Garage sale this Saturday: 7 a.m. until 100 degrees.”

An aging widower is given a membership to a gym and a personal training session by his kids in hopes of raising his spirits.
With his belly sagging out from under his T-shirt, the gentleman asks the fitness trainer about the equipment.
“Is there any type of machine here that can make me more attractive to the opposite sex?”
The trainer looks around for a few moments, thinking, and then brightens with an idea.
“There’s an ATM out in the hallway! That might help.”

The second 20 stories Dave will tell a happy story, and lastly, Steve will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps after an exhausting climb, it was Steve’s turn. He turned to the other two and said, “OK guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.”

There were three men on a hill with their watches.

The first man threw his watch down the hill, and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill, and it broke. The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. The third man said, “Easy. My watch is five minutes slow!”

The elderly man goes back in a month for a check-up. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote Revelation 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was the message, Genesis 3:10.

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”
The pastor then questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

Late one night in the capitol, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
The mugger shouted, “Give me your money!”
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this — I’m a U.S. Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood,” the caller says.

“Thank you very much for the call, sir,” the agent responds.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

Then the phone rings at the neighbor’s house.

The caller asks, “Hey, Stanley, did the FBI come?”

“Yes,” Stanley responds.

The caller then asks, “Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yes,” Stanley responds again.

“Great, now it’s your turn to call,” the caller says, “I need my garden plowed.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

The man started again, “But, officer, I just wanted to say …”

The officer responded, “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

—

There were three guys from the city walking in the woods and they came across this huge hole in the path.
The first guy says, “Let’s throw some rocks in the hole and see how deep it is.” So that’s what they did, only they didn’t hear it hit bottom.
So the second guy says, “I saw a log back there; let’s get that and throw that in.” So that’s what they did.
Then this farmer comes walking up and says, “Have you seen my goat go by here?”
The third guy replies, “Yeah, we saw one jump down in that hole.”
The farmer replies, “What? That couldn’t have been my goat. He was tied to a log!”

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. The mother agreed and sent the youngest in first.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response. He sat there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

Gasping for breath, the younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing—and they think WE did it!”

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