NC Farm Bureau Magazine » On The Lighter Side

On the Lighter Side

Farm Bureau — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:19:47 +0000

A police officer was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a 6-year-old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, “Are you a policeman?”
“Yes, I am,” he said.
“My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right?” the girl asked.
“Yes it is,” said the officer.
“The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, “OK, then, would you tie my shoe?”

—

There were three guys from the city walking in the woods and they came across this huge hole in the path.
The first guy says, “Let’s throw some rocks in the hole and see how deep it is.” So that’s what they did, only they didn’t hear it hit bottom.
So the second guy says, “I saw a log back there; let’s get that and throw that in.” So that’s what they did.
Then this farmer comes walking up and says, “Have you seen my goat go by here?”
The third guy replies, “Yeah, we saw one jump down in that hole.”
The farmer replies, “What? That couldn’t have been my goat. He was tied to a log!”

On The Lighter Side May/June 2010

Farm Bureau — Wed, 12 May 2010 19:36:26 +0000

A couple had two young boys who were excessively mischievous. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. The mother agreed and sent the youngest in first.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response. He sat there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

Gasping for breath, the younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing—and they think WE did it!”

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
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Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On The Lighter Side March/April 2010

Farm Bureau — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:28:06 +0000

Two chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian determines the chickens must want three books, gives them the books and the chickens leave.

Around midday, the two chickens return and say, “Buk Buk BUKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books, so she gives them the books and the chickens leave.

The two chickens return in the early afternoon, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request and decides to follow them.

She follows them out of town to a park. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

A cop pulls over a carload of older women.
He says to the driver, “This is a 65 MPH highway—why are you going so slow?”
The lady apologizes and says, “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
The cop chuckles and says, “Oh, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other ladies are shaking and trembling.
“Excuse me,” he says, “but what’s wrong with your friends? They’re shaking something terrible.”
She replies, “Oh, I don’t know. We just got off of highway 119.”

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
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Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On The Lighter Side January/February 2010

Farm Bureau — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 20:47:11 +0000

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.”

An old blacksmith wanted to quit working so hard, so he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get that hammer from over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
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Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On the Lighter Side November/December 2009

Farm Bureau — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:35:19 +0000

A turkey decided to try out for a pro football team. The players gazed in amazement as the turkey caught every pass and ran right through the defensive line!
The coach shouted, “You’re terrific! You made the team and I’ll see to it that you get a big bonus!”
“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said “I want to know if I’ll be playing Thanksgiving Day?”

Three sons dicussed the gifts they gave their mother for Christmas.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took church elders 12 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Dear Milton, The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Dear Gerald, I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald, You surely know what your mother likes. The chicken was dee-licious!”

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
P.O. Box 27766
Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On the Lighter Side September/October 2009

Farm Bureau — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:06:24 +0000

Why didn’t the honeybee go out in the rain? She couldn’t find her little yellow jacket.

Why did the honeybee have sticky hair? She used a honeycomb.

If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye? Beauty…because it’s in the eye of the “beeholder.”

— Dr. John Ambrose, as told at the N.C. Zoo Honeybee Exhibit grand opening.

A mechanic is removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley motorcycle when he spots a well-known heart surgeon waiting in the shop to have his bike looked at.

The mechanic shouts across the garage, “Hey, Doc, I gotta question for ya.”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walks over. The mechanic straightens up, wipes his hands on a rag and says, “Look, Doc, tell me if this ain’t the same as surgery. I open the heart of this engine, take the valves out, fix ‘em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it runs like new again. So tell me why it is that I make a mechanic’s salary while you get the big bucks…seein’ as you and I are doin’ basically the same work?”

The surgeon leans over and whispers to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

On the Lighter Side July/August 2009

Farm Bureau — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:35:35 +0000

An elderly couple sat together, reflecting on their life. The wife is hard of hearing.

Husband: You know we’ve been married for a long time and you have been tried and true.

Wife: What did you say?

Husband: You know we’ve been married for a long time and you have been tried and true.

Wife: Yes, we have been married for a long time and I’m tired of you, too.

— Lelah Hedgpeth, Hillister
84 years old

During a church service one Sunday, a puff of smoke appeared over the piano. When it had cleared up, there sat the devil, arms folded, knees crossed, and right on top of the piano. Everyone was frightened and couldn’t wait to get out of the church as fast as they could.

But when the devil looked around there was still one guy left, sitting there with his arms folded.

The devil looked at him with narrowing eyes and asked, “Do you know who I am?”

Defiantly, the man replied, “yes.”

“Don’t you know how powerful I am?” asked the devil.

“So,” replied the man.

“Aren’t you scared?” asked the devil.

“Why should I be?” asked the man. “I’ve been married to your sister for over 35 years now!”

— Melanie Norvel, Jacksonville

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
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Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On the Lighter Side

Farm Bureau — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:13:12 +0000

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big, strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he were the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to start farming. He goes to the local farmer and says, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The farmer complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The farmer complies again. Another week goes by and the man returns and this time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”
“Wow!” the farmer replies. “You must really be doing well.”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
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Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On the Lighter Side

Farm Bureau — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:45:51 +0000

A duck walked in the store and said, “Give me some lipstick, just put it on my bill.”
—–
The first mailman said, “This morning a dog bit me,” and the second mailman said, “Did you put anything on it?” The first mailman said, “No, he liked it plain.”
—–
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer scared, some are not.

- Submitted by Farm Bureau member, Jessica Moore, 8, of Moncure.

_________________________________________________________________________

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, “Get out of here with that dog!”

The guy says, “But this isn’t just any dog…this dog can play the piano!”

The bartender replies, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house!”

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing and some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, “What was that all about?”

The guy replies, “Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
P.O. Box 27766
Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.org

On the Lighter Side

Farm Bureau — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:07:44 +0000

A small child walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, this child made the daily trek to the elementary school.

As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.

The mother was worried that her child would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up at the sky and smile.

One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, “What are you doing!”

Her child answered, “I’m smiling for God. He keeps taking pictures of me.”

—————————-

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, ain’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “It’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a Pepsi.”

—————————-

Send your Jokes & Recipes with photos to:
JOKES & RECIPES
North Carolina Farm Bureau Magazine
P.O. Box 27766
Raleigh, NC 27611
or magazine@ncfb.com